Toxic Positivity Getting You Down?
When you’re struggling with a challenging situation and a well-meaning friend tells you to “look on the bright side,” you probably want to take their gratitude journal and shove it up their a@#. Yes, positive thinking can be good for you, but there is a time and a place for it. Turning that frown upside down when you actually need to punch a pillow can backfire big time.
There’s nothing wrong with having a cheery outlook on life. We all want to be Julie Andrews dancing in a meadow. But when we deny difficult feelings, no matter how painful a situation is, we deny a big part of our experience. It doesn’t help that the world of self-help and yoga preaches at us to run away screaming at the first sign of discomfort. There’s a kind of moral judgment about mindset that shames us for feeling bad when we’re genuinely struggling.
Sure, you don’t want to dwell in the negative forever. But pretending it’s not there can be detrimental to your health.
Pushing down your feelings
When you believe that certain emotions are “good” or “bad,” in order to stay positive, it’s like trying to push a beach ball underwater and keep it there. You can try with all your strength, but that beach ball ain’t goin’ anywhere, and neither is your anger.
If you’ve been told you shouldn’t feel emotions like anger, you may have a sense of guilt or shame when they come up. For many of us (#yourstruly), this goes back to childhood. Maybe you were rewarded for being “good” and “quiet,” or maybe adults shamed your emotions as a way to control behavior. Whatever it was, practicing self-compassion and nonjudgement for yourself now can go a long way.
Pretending to be grateful
We all have that friend who responds to our struggles by telling us how much worse their situation is and why we should be grateful. (Don’t you just want to punch them?) People loooove to say this when they’re uncomfortable holding space.
Yes, gratitude is a powerful thing. But it’s not that effective when we use it to bypass other emotions. You can have gratitude and difficult feelings at the same time- and that is totally okay. Pinky promise.
Last year, my car was smashed to smithereens by a drunk driver while parked in front of my building. The driver totaled three cars, including his own. I was grateful no one was hurt. I was grateful the insurance settlement was enough for me to buy my dream car and take a vacation. That doesn’t mean I was skipping joyfully around my apartment, singing The Sound of Music. No, Sirree. I was pissed that my entire life came a screeching halt while I dealt with the aftermath. I gave myself permission to feel angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Eventually, those feelings were gone and I could just thank the stars for everything that turned out well.
We all find ourselves in situations that bring up mixed feelings- the bittersweetness of a divorce can bring sadness and relief at the same time. Or saying goodbye to a pet you knew was suffering. . . you don’t have to pick just one emotion to feel.
“Others have it worse.”
Just because someone else has it “better” or “worse” than you doesn’t mean you don’t get to have feelings, too. If you catch yourself comparing your struggles to others, remember that people often distort their own experiences, especially on social media. We almost never get the full story, and even if we do- it doesn’t matter because feelings aren’t a competition.
Friends and family might inflict their own garbage onto you by telling you straight up how much worse it is for them. “You shouldn’t feel that way because of what I’m dealing with over here” is 100% about making themselves feel better and has nothing to do with your struggles.
Repeat after me:
Feelings are not a competition.
There is no hierarchy of suffering.
Emotions get stuck
Science is finally catching up to what healers, dancers, and shamans have known for centuries:
Unprocessed emotions get stuck in our bodies and lead to physical illness. Science is so into this idea right now, they even have a fancy new word for it: psychoneuroendocrinimunology, or the study of how our mental state affects our physical health.
Bottling up our emotions is a huge source of stress on the nervous system, which only has so much capacity. In the book When the Body Says No, Rockstar Researcher Dr. Gabor Maté says that if we don’t pay attention to our feelings, the body will do it for us through disease. Our nervous systems are not equipped for the demands of modern society and the stress compromises our immune system, leading to illness. Maté explains the direct connection between suppressing negative emotions and diseases like cancer, IBS, Multiple Sclerosis, Lou Gehrig’s Disease, and inflammatory conditions.
Toxic positivity may be well-meaning, but it squashes the negative emotions that are part of our reality. Maté points out that genuine positive thinking is very healthy- it only becomes unhealthy when we try to force ourselves to feel something we don’t. Healthy positive thinking includes our whole reality and the self-trust to acknowledge both the positive and negative.
What you can do about it
Bodywork can help
Practices like Somatic Experiencing and SomatoEmotional Release are based on the idea that working with difficult feelings can help them move through the body instead of staying stuck. This can include bodywork to create physical space and movement in the body, but can also be done verbally or through meditation.
Emotional release isn’t necessarily the goal of every CranioSacral Therapy session, but it can be a focus if you want to work through emotions. Sometimes, feelings come up unexpectedly during bodywork and that’s okay, too. If it does, just check in with what you need. It’s okay to take a break, ask for a tissue, get some water, talk through it, or not talk through if that’s what you need. A good practitioner can hold space for you without judgment and help you feel safe enough to process in whatever way you need.
Talk to a therapist
Bodywork can be helpful but it’s not a fix-all or a substitute for mental health counseling. Finding a therapist that you trust can help you find healthy ways to process difficult emotions and trauma.
Set boundaries with friends and family
You don’t have to share everything with everyone. If you consistently feel worse after talking to certain friends, take note. Maybe those aren’t the friends to share your deepest struggles with. If you feel comfortable, you could say upfront “I have to get something off my chest, and I’m wondering if you can just listen without responding?”
In the end, just stay curious about what you’re feeling. If every emotional experience comes with a steaming hot pile of shame and shoulds, take a step back. There may be something deeper going on.